Play With The Prose II — Challenge #13: Shooting A Gun

Round thirteen (two more!) of head-to-head challenges with Fiction 59 (59-word stories) required us to write about the firing of a gun. Let’s start with a bang:

His ears still ringing, Dean sighted through the scope, out the shattered plate glass window, past the splintered tree limb swinging from its tentative grip, to the craft store’s pierced sign shaking from the chains that held it nearly two blocks away. Turning to the cowering man behind the display counter, a grin split his face. “I LIKE IT!!”
  • I intentionally extended the first sentence as a metaphor for the long shot that Dean just took. Nice that at least one judge picked up on that.
  • I named my character after my worthy opponent, but really wanted to go with Chekhov.
  • Last line was going to be, “I’LL TAKE IT!!” but instead I made it an homage to a great line in Robocop:

Blow this thing up! RESULTS

Mine was submission #2 in this challenge — the judges’ comments:
MATTHEW: I like where you’re going, Story 1: Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Williams, Vol. 1″. And nicely evocative descriptions. Story 2, you really grabbed me, though. The overlong first sentence was perfect to describe the aftermath of a super-long-distance sniper rifle. The pace and payoff sold me. WINNER: #2

Novak – Is this a thing now? Using names of CdL folks? (Williams/Brookings = Will/Brooks; Dean; Gilman… etc.). #1 has great motivation. I love the descriptions, but I find myself wondering if it would have worked better in first person. Maybe not. #2 took me a minute to realize what had happened. So much focus was put on the path of the sight/bullet that I thought the target would be more relevant, when really it was the shooting that was the issue. A bit confusing in that, but really fun to envision what happened and the path the bullet took. It’s my close call of the week, and I’ve gone back and forth on this, but this time I’m giving the edge to #1.

ANDY: A little corny and predictable for my taste, #1, sorry. #2 is a bit more original of a concept, and written a bit better as well. That’s my winner: #2.

WINNER: David Larson

Well, alright then. The next challenge is a tall order…

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