Spookymilk Survivor Challenge #7: Surprise Eulogy

Week seven of Spookymilk’s WGOM writer’s challenge: write a eulogy for a public figure that includes a surprising revelation. Must be a real person (past or present), and limit it to 600 words or less.

The Winner Group once more nailed down the high team average, continuing to live up to our name. We’re a juggernaut! Results

I’m not going to stir the pot this week. I had a little fun poking at last week’s challenge (well, it was a little lame) but our fine judges didn’t necessarily take it in the spirit of which it was meant. This week’s gets back to exercising the ol’ writer’s creative right-side brain cells. Here’s how I made a go at it:

Derek Jeter (1974-2027?)
Derek Jeter was a man of outstanding ability and extraordinary charisma, loved by all. He was excelled in sports and later in politics — always thinking of his fellow man and over time becoming the world’s most adored human being. As an ambassador of the United States, his role in finally engineering a lasting peace accord in the Middle East was an enduring legacy, and his unprecedented progress in bringing together Christian and Moslem cultures was interrupted by his untimely death. His premature demise, initially diagnosed as only a simple concussion, left the world shocked and then supremely saddened.

In hindsight, people of learning should have realized…but as was forewarned, we did not — we COULD not — have any suspicion. Looking at all the signs now though, as head of the Harvard Divinity School and Professor of Religion and End-Time Prophecies, I can most definitively assert that Jeter is the Antichrist as recorded by John the Revelator over two millennia ago.

Expect his imminent “healing” to be announced in the near future, and not long after his return from “death” we will find ourselves in the midst of the Great Tribulation. No longer will the world media fuel our devotion to Jeter, but Jeter himself will be demanding the worship of the remainder of humanity’s survivors. The Four Horsemen are in the wings.

It is no longer a curiosity that in 2018 Jeter was selected for the Baseball Hall of Fame on 666 ballots. God help us all.

Took me a while to come up with a public figure, but once I did, the surprise was much easier to decide on. My end-times knowledge was a little rusty, so I did a bit of research to remember the chronology, etc. Some of the eulogy accolades in the first paragraph used similar terminology used to describe AC in the writings. The concussion throw-in was a nod to a recent discussion on WGOM on the topic.

Instead of a eulogy relying on someone “in the know” revealing the surprise, I chose to use someone with extensive research to reveal their surprising conclusion — my apologies to whomever is the head of Harvard Divinity School in the year 2029.

I wanted to include my frustration over seeing Derek Freakin’ Jeter’s face in every single sports commercial and baseball-related coverage, so I made sure to mention how AC would require everyone’s worship, and previously how the media was the one fueling it. The last two lines were a nice throwaway wrap-up. God help us all…literally.

And for the heck of it, what does I Write Like think?

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

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One response to “Spookymilk Survivor Challenge #7: Surprise Eulogy

  1. Dan Brown? No wonder I gave it a 1!

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