Round two of Spookymilk Survivor writer’s challenge was a group effort, which makes for some logistical nightmares, but also means condensing the efforts of seven awesome contributors into a single submission. This round’s challenge basically was: Give the most entertaining answers to the following twenty “questions”
- If there was a battle royale to the death that featured every female singer ever, who would be the last woman standing and why?
- If Prince Fielder was a rapper, what would his alias be?
- You are publishing a book titled “Nick Punto’s Fury.” What’s the subtitle?
- While walking down the street, a Jehovah’s Witness asks you, “Do you love life?” How do you respond?
- The right fielder is never mentioned in “Who’s on First.” What’s his name?
- What’s the best reason to avoid women that smoke?
- Worst way to begin your speech as best man
- What Nathan Hale really said before being hanged
- Provide the tagline for a Hope Floats sequel.
- Kurt Cobain comes back to life and Nirvana reunites. Name the next album.
- What Lady Gaga would tell us if she popped by the WGOM
- Best excuse for not having your homework done
- Write a line that could open both a porn novel and a children’s book.
- E-6 and Milt on Tilt form a professional wrestling tag team. Name it.
- The headline we never saw the day after Dewey did not defeat Truman
- What Rhett’s final words to Scarlett would have been had Gone With The Wind been made in 2009.
- If you had a pet penguin, what would you name him?
- Provide the basic plot for a zombie movie that actually sounds original.
- Who Spooky will thank when he wins an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay.
- How to succeed in business without really trying.
Like last week, The Winner Group once more ruled with 10 pts, to 5 pts apiece for the other two teams. Results. As you can probably tell, a lot of these questions have inside connotations to the good folks at WGOM. I’ll share some of the winning answers that I initially contributed, with any minor tweaking by the rest of the team.
|7. Worst way to begin your speech as best man|
|Turn to the bride, say “Last night was alright — I’ve had better,” and then immediately throw up on her.|
No matter what was suggested, it can be easily made worse by throwing up on the bride. It’s a basic tenet of wedding receptions.
|9. Provide the tagline for a Hope Floats sequel.|
|A Quentin Tarantino film|
Hope Floats represents the Worst Film Ever to more than one WGOM Citizen (myself included), so the thought of a sequel is…well, pretty repugnant. Designating the sequel a Tarantino film seemed like a way of making it somewhat palatable to at least some viewers, and takes the answer in a surprise direction. One of my rejected answers was, “First he won her heart – now he must solve her grisly murder.”
|16. What Rhett’s final words to Scarlett would have been had Gone With The Wind been made in 2009.|
|Scartlett would have seen Rhett’s Facebook status as “no longer in a relationship.”|
Using Facebook to represent 2009 seemed like a good move; the doctored up image came later, and we revised it several times, eventually into the gem shown above. If we’d have known for sure that graphics were acceptable, we wouldn’t have even sent the text answer.
|18. Provide the basic plot for a zombie movie that actually sounds original.|
|A midwestern Major League baseball team, desperate to solve years of little-to-no production from its third basemen, re-animates the remains of “Home Run” Baker. Hilarity ensues as team management and players learn to deal with their unusual teammate, and initial bad feelings are erased as quickly as you can say, “145 OPS+”. Tentative title: Dead at Third|
I considered working on the well-known lament of Twins fans regarding the lack of any stable, good third basemen since Cory Koskie departed back in the previous millenium (Wait, 2004 you say? Well, it seems like a lot longer). “Home Run” Baker was the highest-ranking third basemen in history who has been dead for some time. Not sure how well he would play in zombie form, but it has to be better than what we’ve had. Oh, and we all love stats: OPS+
Well, I’m awfully proud of the guys in The Winner Group. We had a couple winner answers that came out of no where when most of us were at an impass (I’m looking at you, New Guy and Andrew) and everyone’s suggestions molded our final answers into winners. There were only 2 or 3 answers by the other team that I would have taken over ours, which says a lot about the quality of our answers. Way to go, guys — good luck next week!
Addendum: In addition, three of my answers, sadly, were not chosen as winners…
|5. The right fielder is never mentioned in “Who’s on First.” What’s his name?|
|Rifding Hokme. “Ready! Aim! Hokme!”|
Okay, serious WGOM inside joke here, plus a play on the Twins’ Michael Cuddyer radio ad from a year or two ago. None of The Winner Group’s other answers really jumped out here, nor did the other two teams’ answers.
|6. What’s the best reason to avoid women that smoke?|
|I would not avoid a woman who smokes, but instead try to help her to switch to chewing tobacco.|
I thought it would be ironic to lead the reader on like I would be crusading to help a smoker to kick the habit, only for them to discover I would replace it with an even more disgusting one. I still think it was a better answer than the winner.
|12. Best excuse for not having your homework done?|
|“Please excuse Alex Wimmers from completing any remaining homework in your class. We have just made him our #1 draft choice.”
– sincerely, B. Smith
Hey, what teacher would say no to their student after learning the Twins had drafted them in the first round?