Play With The Prose II — Challenge #6: Apology

Round six of head-to-head challenge with Fiction 59 (59-word stories) revolves around an apology. Here’s what I came up with, sorry if you don’t like it.

As Tricia sat down on the top of the slide, Tony gave her back a shove with his foot. “Oh, sorry about that! Ha ha!”

Tricia got up and sat on a nearby swing, pulled out her pocket diary, and wrote, “Tony = jerk.” Then she defiantly added, “but I still love him, and after school he’s going down!”

  • While working on an idea for this one, I suddenly found myself attempting to pull in the previous challenges, until I had to get them ALL to work. Apology? Check. Jerk? Check. Playground Equipment? Love story? Check and Check. Same with private journal entry and showdown (well, sort of). Maybe not the best story, but it did what I was trying to do.

.500 for the season? RESULTS

This time around my story was submission #2 in the match-up — the judges’ comments:
MATTHEW: Mixing a jerk with an apology! Economical! The kick in the back at the top of the slide was nowhere near as brutal as the kick to the stomach in story #1, though. As much as it’s nice to see a positive conflict in one of these stories, I have to give the edge to the first story. WINNER: #1

Novak – #1 actually does a good job of showing, instead of telling, but because of the first person narration it feels a bit like telling, and that blunts the impact. #2 does it just a little better, and I believe the characters, which can be tough to do with kids. #2 is the winner.

ANDY: Wait, are we still doing jerk stories? What a couple of jerks we have here. But wait, there’s apologies too. Unfortunately, I think both stories need a little bit more polish. The prose doesn’t quite flow, but the ideas are sound and the stories fit well within the word limit. I’m going with the higher emotional impact of #1.

WINNER: AMR

Time to get back up on the horse again!

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